[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
(2022)
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.