[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Weighing up my bread heating options
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I pray every night that I never become religious…