Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Oops 🤭

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”