Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

“i am a sweet baby”

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”