Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
HERE’S MARKY
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.