@Skoogeth

[inventing the squirrel]

angel: rodent features and a bushy tail. anything else?

god: make em sneaky poopers

angel: wut?

god: when they poop. make sure like no one ever sees it.

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@msdanifernandez

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”

@sip_at_home_mom

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

@nihilist_arbys

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

@ManiacallySound

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.

@murrman5

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

@Michael1979

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

@david8hughes

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought