If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[inventing the squirrel]
angel: rodent features and a bushy tail. anything else?
god: make em sneaky poopers
god: when they poop. make sure like no one ever sees it.
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“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”
-did you just read that off your hand?
“Hey! You’re not blind!”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.