[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Just ordered me some pizza!
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator