[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
