Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

japanese corn

The struggle is real

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.