Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

I think about this cartoon a lot.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”