[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!