[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.