[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.