Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.