[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.