Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

what does he know…

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

💀😭