Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.