Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

boys are so easy to impress

Unimpressed

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Come back after dark. Bring your friends