Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

This was the best day of my life

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

🤣

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.