Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.