Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Aaaa…CHOO!

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

For anyone who needs this today

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???