Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

Never ghost your hitman.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.