Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

In case you needed to hear it:

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.