[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
