[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
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I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE