[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
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Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.