[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
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Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
What kind of a cult is this?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
how much for the angry fruit?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom