[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.