[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
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HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.