Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part