Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

When he asks for feet pics

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.