[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
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Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Hank is one in a melon.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.