[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.