Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight