[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
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best first i’ve ever seen
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.