Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

Now who done made this a sport lmao

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1853060143082262528/pu/vid/avc1/720x948/eccxLKmYc5G5GWQt.mp4?tag=12

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

🤣😂🤣😂

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.