Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

So sick of all these stupid rules

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?