Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

that colleague who touches your screen

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Going into Monday like

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.