Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

I thought this was funny lol

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

we’re gonna need another temp

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!