Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

True story 🤣

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

My birthstone is kidney

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times