Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

you will never know the true number of layers

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Cinematography is my passion