[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
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Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time