inventing words: clothing
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Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
😜
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.