inventing words: clothing
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I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!