Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.