Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
sensitive skin
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises