[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I think the cat got the dog high.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*