[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Things will get butter, keep churning
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.