[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Optional boss fight.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
No.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
NOT all policemen are strippers.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
