[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
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Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.