Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

Admin smashed it 😂

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.