[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
A new level of troll.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.