Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

me 2 months after i graduated

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.