Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway