[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

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[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course


James Bond is the type of top secret spy who announces who he is, then shoots everyone and sets off a bomb while doing absolutely no spying.


The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds


Hope you don’t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.


People think it’s great if you like kids but will freak out if you assign an age.

I like 10 year olds.

See? Creepy. I’ll wait in the van.


If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.


oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere


The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.


WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees

ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that



WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate