[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
You Might Also Like
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
That’s what I call a flat tire
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together