@Chumpstring

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

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@MarfSalvador

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

@JonasPolsky

James Bond is the type of top secret spy who announces who he is, then shoots everyone and sets off a bomb while doing absolutely no spying.

@vineyille

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

@superdadatron

Hope you don’t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.

@DaHess1

People think it’s great if you like kids but will freak out if you assign an age.

I like 10 year olds.

See? Creepy. I’ll wait in the van.

@Darlainky

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

@tarashoe

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

@usedwigs

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees

ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate