Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.