[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
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If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
realest tweet ever.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.