Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

I think about this cartoon a lot.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

So sorry

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger