Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

my favorite genre of twitter

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.