Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!