Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Gods work.

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

ㅤ

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.