Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Watson was Holmes schooled

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

everyone’s a critic

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.