Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?