Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

The struggle is real.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult