[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

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Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.


A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…

…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.


My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married


*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*


Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately


If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.


Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?


1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave


is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?