@stevemarriott

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

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@iGreenMonk

Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

@better_off_dad

A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…

…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.

@YourMomsucksTho

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

@ThoughtOtter

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

@RedRegenerated

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

@LosLos__

Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

@LeahsLounge

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@SassyChantelle

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?