Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
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A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…
…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Wife: My family is coming over.
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?