[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
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Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs