Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

This anagram machine is out of order.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.