Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming