[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
You Might Also Like
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Sounds like a bargain
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Name this drama.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder