[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
men, we mow at sunrise.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.