Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.