[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
