Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”