Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Bruh PLEASE

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots