Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

no exceptions

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Tapped in

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”