Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

if i had a bf i’d be a gf

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

my nickname in college

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

life finds a way

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.