{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off