My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message