Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

normalize having existential bread

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.