(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
You Might Also Like
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad